so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
