Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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