Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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