So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
