I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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