my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
