He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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