i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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