i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
