you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
