Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
