respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
