dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
