its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
third nipple confirmed
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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