we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
