Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
