all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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