i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
