he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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