He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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