the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
