In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
