I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
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He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
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He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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