i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my mouth tastes like poor choices
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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