I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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