Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My balls are so social today.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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