Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
