yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize