She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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