OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
