I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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