Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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