I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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