And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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