Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
