He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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