Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
