we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just high enough for therapy.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
