If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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