Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
two words: eviction party
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
