god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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