so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
