I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
