Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
