also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
