I'm so fucking centered right now
Only a mothe r could love this liver
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
