I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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