Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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