dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
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He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
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Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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