how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
