my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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