my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
