yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
