Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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